Showing posts with label Devastating Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Devastating Loss. Show all posts

Friday, November 9, 2012

Three Weeks

I don't even know where to start with the events of the past three weeks, so this may be a little jumbled and rambly.

On Tuesday, October 16th, in the evening, we noticed that our kitty, Augie, was a little lethargic and not eating.  We were concerned, but had had kitties be a little under the weather like this before, and it turned out to be a little kitty flu or something not too serious.  We called the vet first thing the next morning (Augie was still feeling bad, but didn't seem to be worse than the previous evening) and made him an appointment for that afternoon.  This vet was one we used because of the decreased cost, which comes in handy when you're caring for a lot of cats.  We had used them many, many times with no problems.

We got him to the appointment, where the vet and tech checked him out, told us he had a high temp and was dehydrated and that he was sick with something viral.  They wanted to admit him overnight for fluids and observation.  We agreed, and said a tearful goodbye to Augie because we were pretty worried.  The vet's office was 45 minutes away from home, so we left and came back towards home.  About an hour after we left Augie, the vet called my cell phone to say that he had died.

I don't want to go into detail about my and Brian's reaction to this, but suffice it to say that we were devastated, cried a million tears, and went back to pick up his body.  We each held him for a long time. It was so unexpected and it really destroyed us.  We took him to Mama and Daddy's, where they were so wonderful to us and agreed to let us bury him in their beautiful backyard by the garden.  We buried him at sunset.

This picture was taken just a few days before Augie died.



The aftermath of Augie's death was gut wrenching, grief-filled and so raw.  We were not expecting our five-month-old kitten, whom we had rescued from heat and dehydration at Whitewater Park over the summer, to die such a horrible and sudden death.  I could write an entire post on his death and the questionable circumstances surrounding it, but I will save that for another day.

Augie died on a Wednesday.  We spent the next several days grieving heavily and searching everywhere we could for answers.  WHAT took him?  WHY?  We found some viral diseases that fit, but without a necropsy (which we could not bring ourselves to agree to), we had to accept the fate that we may never know what killed him.

On the following Sunday, we noticed that one of our other babies, Simon (who is just over a year old) was acting lethargic, disinterested and was not eating.  We immediately thought the worst.  He and Augie were best buds, and the virus we suspected is HIGHLY contagious.  We felt sure that Augie had transmitted it to Simon.  We isolated him from the other cats right away.  On Monday morning, we took him to another vet, five minutes from our house.  A vet we have used before and trust wholeheartedly.  (We will never be able to go back to the other vet--for our suspicion over Augie, and simply because we can't handle the association of that office to Augie's death.  It would just be too hard.)

They examined Simon, and did some blood tests.  He had a horribly low white blood count, and a fever of over 104.  This was not good.  Augie's death was very fresh in our minds, and we were absolutely convinced that Simon was experiencing the same condition.  The vet agreed that the symptoms were scarily similar and she said she suspected the culprit to be panleukopenia, or feline parvo.  It is also called feline distemper.  They gave Simon some fluids, and something to bring his fever down.  I brought him back home.

He worsened overnight, with the fever spiking again, and now he had bloody diarrhea and vomiting.  We were scared and took him back to the vet Tuesday morning.  She ran some more blood tests, this time testing for the major things it might be--panleukopenia, feline leukemia, feline immunodeficiency virus, and feline infectious peritonitis.  None of these diseases are good, to say the least, with panleukopenia and FIP being potentially fatal, quickly.  These tests would have to be sent off, so our waiting began.

Simon was extremely sick over the following several days.  I posted on Facebook to ask for prayers, and so many wonderful people responded.  We are so appreciative of that.  We took turns sitting with him, in his isolation chamber (our master bathroom), I sat on the cold tile floor, looked up through the window at the golden, gorgeous foliage in the tree canopies in the backyard, and I prayed.  A lot.  I don't remember a time that I felt as close to God as I did sitting there, praying for my sweet boy to make it through this.  And I sang.  I sang "In The Garden," "Jesus Loves Me," and several other comforting hymns.  Choking back tears, I sang to God, to Simon, and I felt peace.  And Simon got sicker.

Brian and I were really just running on fumes by this point.  Not eating, not sleeping, nursing Simon around-the-clock and at the same time, still grieving Augie and worrying sick about the other cats showing signs of this awful disease.

On Wednesday night, Simon spiked a high fever again.  We called the vet on call, who advised us to rub Simon down with a cool, wet rag at least every couple hours and to give him water via syringe by mouth.  We did.  We got him through the night, keeping him cool and checking his temp often.  And holding him, rocking him and praying.  He was not very responsive.  He had a glazed-over look in his dull eyes.  Eyes that were usually full of life and mischief, now those eyes just stared blankly at me.  It broke my heart.  He seemed so tired, so lifeless.  I asked God then and there to please not let Simon suffer.  That if He had to take Simon, to please do it, and peacefully.  But that if Simon was going to make it, to PLEASE give us a sign.

Right after that, Brian held up a set of stainless steel measuring spoons that we had with us in the room and dangled them over Simon's head.  Simon reached up and pawed at them!  We immediately took that as our sign and thanked God.  (We had been using them to measure out powder for kitten formula, which we had given Simon via syringe to help get nutrients in him--he had not eaten on his own in days, so we were force-feeding him human baby food with crushed cat food in it, and kitten formula.)

On Thursday of that week, Brian went with me to take Simon back to the vet.  Despite our "sign," he was so sick by this point, we thought surely the vet would recommend putting him to sleep.  We were beside ourselves with worry and grief, both our continued grief over Augie, and anticipatory grief over potentially losing our Simon.

She did not recommend it.  She said he was in the thick of the disease, and we had to use supportive care to keep him alive while his natural defenses tried to kick in.  She taught Brian how to give Simon sub-q fluids, which we were to administer every 12 hours, as well as give Simon a dose of an antibiotic to help his gut and stop the diarrhea.  Brian was so grateful to have an active role in Simon's care.  We were both feeling so helpless, just the simple act of giving him fluids made us feel like we were DOING something, finally.

Over the next couple days, we did just that.  We gave him his fluids, we gave him his antibiotic, and on Friday, his fever spiked again.  I took him back for a shot to bring his fever down.  I knew this shot would only last for about 24 hours, so I mentally and emotionally tried to prepare myself for what may come next.

On Saturday night, there was no fever, but Simon seemed to be giving up.  Once again, we held him, prayed and cried.  I was absolutely certain that he would die during the night.  I was up a lot that night, as I was many other nights, checking on him.

Sunday morning, I went to check on him early, and he was still with us.  Not only was he with us, he was bright, playful and was grooming again.  It seemed that he had turned a corner during the night.  He still would not eat and drink on his own.  We were discouraged, but still hopeful.  Over the next few days, he continued to improve.  On the following Tuesday, October 30th, Simon finally ate some canned food from a plate, on his own.  When he took the first bite, I cried and just thanked God over and over (and over).  We had force-fed him for nearly seven entire days, and now our prayers were answered--he was eating.

We finally got the test back from Cornell--it had been delayed by Hurricane Sandy--and it was positive for panleukopenia.  The other tests had come back negative.  So at least we finally knew what had made him so sick, and also, what killed Augie.  It didn't matter that the test took a while, because the treatment Simon would have received would have been the same.  There is no cure--only supportive care to get the cat through it.

Panleukopenia is a terrible, and often fatal, disease.  I wish I had never learned the word.  It kills kittens like Augie VERY quickly, before you really even see symptoms.  An older cat like Simon has a better chance of surviving it, although only if caught early enough.  I have read that during their suffering with this terrible virus, cats often lose the will to live.  They need a lot of love, care and time spent with them.  We were absolutely exhausted--beyond exhausted--but we gave him everything we had.

This disease is preventable through vaccination.  We had no idea that this was even a THING, let alone something that could be vaccinated for.  Even if a cat is strictly indoors, they still need this vaccination.  The virus is extremely hardy, can live in an environment for up to a year (!) and the only things that kill it are bleach and fire.  We feel devastated that had Augie been vaccinated, he might have lived.  We are certain he picked up the virus from the vet (the one who is 45 minutes away), a week before he got sick, when we took him there for his neuter surgery.  The virus incubation time fits perfectly, and he had not been exposed to anything, anywhere else.  I will tell more of Augie's story in a future post.  He deserves his own.

Simon is now mostly back to his old self.  His appetite is great, he is loving and playful, but he still has to be in isolation for several weeks because he is still shedding the virus and therefore infectious to the other kitties.  He has a sunny windowsill to sit in and look out, toys, yummy canned food brought to him three times a day, and a soft pillow bed to sleep on.

When we go in to see him, we have to completely change clothes, wear protective gloves and shoes, and then change back before coming into contact with any of the other kitties.  We are very careful about contamination, have bleached everything we possibly can, and remain on heightened awareness and worry about spreading the virus.

We are planning to get the other cats vaccinated against panleukopenia, just in case.  Thankfully, they have not shown any symptoms of this awful and deadly disease.  Hopefully they won't have any adverse reactions to the vaccine itself.  So, our ordeal isn't quite over, but we can sort of see a light now.

Our sweet Simon boy, about a week before he got sick.



All of this, what seems like a lifetime of exhaustion, tragedy and stress, has happened in the last three weeks.

Some people don't understand our love for our cats, but it is very real and it is very deep.  With no plans to have human children, our cats ARE our children, and we will do whatever we can possibly do for them.  In return, they fill our home and our hearts with love beyond measure.  We appreciate everyone's prayers and support so much.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Hope



So true.

For so long I have hoped.  I have hoped for a psoriasis treatment that will work for me, that will give me my life back.  I have severe psoriasis and it keeps me from doing a lot of things I used to enjoy, including dressing comfortably for the seasons.  I wear long sleeves and pants year-round, even through miserable, hot Georgia summers.  This week, I started a new treatment called Stelara, and it seems to be the most promising yet.  I'll know in a few weeks if it will work for me.

I had my first injection yesterday, and Brian snapped this photo.



That's just a little snippet of my skin.  Those spots you see?  There are many, many more.  They cover me, make me miserable and I'm tired of them.  So, please do your thing, Stelara!

Even through failed treatment after failed treatment, I will not despair.  I will choose hope.

A couple years ago, I created this bust for Scrap n' Art.  It still represents my struggle with this disease.  August is National Psoriasis Awareness Month, so I wanted to share it.  Creating art is very therapeutic for me.



This bust represents "My Two Psides," meaning my two identities or sides of living with psoriasis.  There is a clear side, with smooth, beautiful skin.  I haven't seen that side of myself in well over a decade.  The other side, or "pside," represents the ugly, inflamed skin.  Red, burning, itching, scaling, flaking, miserable.  The two wings represent freedom and imprisonment.  One wing is free, ready to fly.  The other is tethered, tied and confined.  Held down by this disease.  The key represents my search for a treatment that will work for me.

It represents hope.  And I cling to it.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

So Long

"Hey, it's Mr. Dick Clark! What a place you've got here! Swell spot, the music's hot here!"
--American Bandstand, "Bandstand Boogie"


Icon. Inspiration. Legend.


"So Long," Mr. Dick Clark.


photo credits: tmz.com

Friday, February 24, 2012

Beautiful

She would have been 89 today.



And I miss her.

Her smile, her eyes, her laugh. I miss holding her hand and hugging her. I always will. But her presence is still here. Not in the physical form, but her spirit and her love are easily felt.

We were blessed beyond measure to have had her with us as long as we did. It is still hard to let her go.



She sure did make this place beautiful.

But her beauty remains, and her golden thread will never break. Happy Birthday, beautiful lady.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Defining Moments

When I was in the seventh grade, it was an awkward, weird time for me. I was far from pretty, with one bad perm after another, glasses and several extra pounds. I had friends, many of whom I maintain friendships with to this day, but at the time I wasn't quite sure where I belonged. I wasn't super-popular, I wasn't quite completely nerdy, and I was quiet, shy and introverted. (Wow, have I come a long way! :D )

My escape was music. I played piano and sang as much as I could. I sang in church choir, in the car and at home, in my room. But my favorite place to sing and truly escape was the swing in my parents' backyard. Nearly every afternoon after school, I'd head there with my dual-cassette boombox. (Later I got fancy and had a cassette/CD player.) It was there that I found my voice, singing along with my favorite singers, such as Madonna, Debbie Gibson, Billy Joel, Rod Stewart, Michael Jackson, Elton John, and...

...Whitney Houston.

Whitney's voice transported me. And the more I sang along with her, the better I got. I had a similar mezzo-soprano range, so it was great practice to sing with her. I realized that singing was something I would always NEED to do, like breathing. My identity was forming, my true self emerging. And music and singing were at my core. My family already knew and my parents encouraged and supported me in all my musical attempts. But at school, it isn't that easy when you're shy and unsure.

One day, during P.E., it was a no-dress-out day where the coach allowed us to just get our exercise in by walking the campus yard. A few friends and I stopped to rest and talked for awhile. Somehow, my cousin Kevin convinced me to sing something for the group to hear. I was reluctant and shy, but came around after their encouragement. I sang Whitney's "Where Do Broken Hearts Go" and I felt, for the first time, that I was staking a claim to something. I was becoming Ami, the singer. It's a risky thing to open yourself up like that and show your innermost self, but at the same time, it's something you WANT to show. And bless their hearts, they loved it.

We all have defining moments in our lives. And if we're lucky, we have the presence of mind to recognize when they're happening. This was a defining moment for me, for sure. After that P.E. class, the news spread. People stopped me and asked me to sing. I was no longer in the shadows. I had an identity. My classmates, friends and the whole world, it seemed, welcomed this information, this previously-hidden part of myself.

I could sing, and the world knew it. Well, my little world, anyway. ;D

After that, I simply blossomed and happily grew more into this identity. I sang all throughout high school, in Literary trio, solo, and in our school's show choir. I sang solos in church. I sang in weddings. I just sang. And to this day, I am never happier than when I'm singing. It will always be at the center of who I am.

So that leads me back to Whitney. Her music helped me come out of my shell. Everything happens for a reason, and it was not by accident that her music first fell upon my ears, was imitated by my voice, and settled to make its home in my heart. She was one of my first and most powerful influences, musically. She inspired me.

She died Saturday. And the whole world is buzzing about it. But very little is being said about the huge talent she shared with us, the musical legacy she leaves us, and her value as an artist. Most people are diminishing her life to be solely about her drug addiction. That's sad to me. She was so much more than that. Maybe not to everyone. But she was to me. Small things become big things. A music note becomes a song, a song becomes an album. And a musician, singer or artist, when influential to you at a critical time in your life and development, becomes a part of you forever.

I've been observing people on Facebook in the couple days since her death. I read someone say, "Don't mourn her."
"You don't know her personally."
"Move on."
"She wasn't a good role model."
"She was just a junkie."
And now I've even started seeing pictures of soldiers' coffins, draped with flags, with a caption that says, "Whitney who?"

Wow.

No one did this a few weeks ago when Etta James died. Was it because Etta didn't have a drug problem? Etta (and rightfully so) received love, adoration and recognition. And people openly mourned her passing. Does Whitney's alleged drug problem make her trash, unworthy of compassion? I don't think so. Everybody has their problems. Their addictions and demons. It doesn't have to mean those things define them and what they bring to the world.

Of course all lives are important. Soldiers' lives are very important. EVERY life is important. It's not a competition between Whitney Houston and every.other.person who suffered, struggled or died. No, everyone isn't going to make the news. And that's ok. Don't diminish what she was just because she's all over your TV and you don't think that's fair to everyone else who has died. I'm totally fine with not making the news when I die. I haven't contributed talent, defined what music would become for generations after me, and had an impact on billions of people. I'm ok if I go quietly. :D

Whitney Houston was one of the great artists of my generation. Her music and style contributed to our culture, our society. She was a role model for me, growing up, both with her then-clean, Christian lifestyle and her musical influence. She paved the way for many female African-American singers. She was the most-awarded female act of all time. She was truly a pioneer for today's R&B, pop and gospel genres, and the ripples of her influence continue in the music of many great artists today. So no one should dare say she wasn't a good role model. She influenced me, I looked up to her, and I didn't grow up to do drugs, drink or participate in crime. Score one for Whitney!

I don't care how many drugs she did or how many poor lifestyle choices she made, she deserves credit, recognition and RESPECT for what she did for music. You don't have to even like her music to appreciate her as an artist and the contributions she made. She is not solely her poor choices and mistakes. She is so much more than that. She deserves to be so much more than that.

And I can totally mourn her. No, I didn't know her personally. You don't have to know someone to mourn them. To mourn the void they are leaving. To mourn what they COULD have been. When someone's music has an impact on me, I feel it deep within my soul. Music is not just "fluff" to me. It's not just something in the background of life. It IS life. It's ingrained in me. And Whitney will always be a part of that. So I will mourn that she is gone, that her life didn't turn out differently, and I will mourn that the voice that impacted BILLIONS is now silent. I will mourn her openly, defend her without apology.

She shouldn't be judged. No one knows her circumstances. None of us really knows *anything*. All we need to know is that she was a monumental and crucial figure in music, someone whose legacy will remain long after we're gone. That's something to celebrate, not condemn.

I will always look back on Whitney's earlier career with very fond memories. I will always appreciate and respect her as a singer. I will always be sad that she couldn't overcome her troubles, her demons and go on to do greater things. But I will always, always celebrate her music. And I will always be grateful that her music was with me during a defining moment in my life. I will always be PROUD to say that Whitney Houston's music is forever a part of me, my culture, my generation and my heart.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Yesterday.

Yesterday, I saw the most amazing sky I have ever, ever seen.

Pale blue, blanketed in puffy clouds. Layers, stacks, staircases of clouds, with brilliant, gleaming sunlight shining through. Shadows and light, so gorgeously playing chase. I had my camera with me, not even an arm's reach away, yet I did not grab it to photograph this sky. It's not that I didn't think to; I did. But I was too captivated, fixed, riding in the passenger seat of the car as Brian drove us to Oglethorpe. And this sky was one for my mind's eye to cherish. Somehow, it didn't seem my camera's lens could have captured its splendor.

We were on our way to the funeral of one of the most amazing women I've ever had the honor to know. Mrs. Linda Beckum, Brian's Great Aunt, who also happened to be our beloved English teacher from high school. She passed away after a long battle with cancer. We were both devastated to learn of her passing. People like Mrs. Beckum are a precious rarity. Her life, her wit, her intelligence, talents, kindness and grace--were all gifts to those who knew her. She accepted people as they were, yet encouraged them to grow even more into themselves. Into their true selves. And to celebrate those true selves.

This was no accidental sky.

It was there to get my attention.

Mrs. Beckum was brilliant with words. It was as if this sky held every word she'd ever spoken. I felt immersed in its brilliance and beauty. I felt her spirit. The shimmering sunlight through the layers of clouds felt like a beacon, an invitation for me to release my sadness and watch it float away. It felt like a promise, a reassurance of renewal. And that while I was not ready for her life to end, this reassurance told me that I could walk through an end to a new beginning.

Her service was beautiful. She had prepared some hymns, passages and Bible verses that she specifically wanted shared. It was so deeply, meaningfully her. We all felt her presence there with us, and that was so comforting.

When we went to the graveside, a breeze began to move around us. It was uplifting, like her spirit was there, dancing among us. It made me smile through my tears. She never wasted a day, never wasted a chance to help or influence someone. Even through the pain and exhaustion of her illness. Right to the end, she gave of her time and talents. She planted so many seeds in her students, friends, family and community. These seeds form, scatter and begin to grow. They have grown in me, and I hope to pass them on as well. This is her legacy to everyone whose life was blessed by her, touched by her, influenced by her.

I have heard the saying, "The bigger your heart, the bigger your life" before, and so I know Mrs. Linda Beckum had a big, big life. She lived her purpose and passed her gifts on to so many. She would want us to see life's beauty and promise, and in doing this, she is with us. Always.

I am so glad I did not photograph that sky's splendor. My soul will always remember the view.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Destination: Peace.

2011.
Wow, what a year.

A year full of lots of things.

Loss.
Of life.
Of focus.
Of health.
Of quiet.
Of joy.
Of comfort.

I took a break from scrapbooking. It was good for me. But I miss it and am ready to get back.

There were some gains as well.

I spent the majority of the year with a camera growing out of my face. I loved it.



I strengthened old friendships and gained new ones. I am grateful for that.

I grew closer to my husband and with each year, seem to somehow love him more, although it seems impossible because I already love him with all my being.

Together, we realized some things about how and where we want to live that will help us move forward into the new year, and set the tone for the next phase of our life together.

My heart grew to make room for more kittybabies, precious lives that the world would otherwise just discard, and I love them like they are my children. They have helped give me focus and purpose.

I had a lot of unhappy times, uncomfortable times, times I felt violated by things I couldn't control. I lost quiet, peace and at times, sanity. But in the moments of distress, of anger, of discord, I still felt little Divine whispers. Little reassurances that this is just part of the journey. That I should focus on the good, and I should go where the peace is.

In 2012, I want to go where the peace is. I want to feel it within myself, and project it back to the world. This is not a New Year's resolution. It's more of an approach to life. I fully believe that when you put positive goodness out there, it comes back to you. I am inviting it with open arms and an open heart. I know this will not always be easy, and sometimes it may not even be possible, but it's not going to stop me from trying.


photo credit: brave girls club

I am ready to start fresh and leave so many things, so much negativity behind me.

So, come on, 2012. A whole new year. A fresh start. New footsteps on a new path to where the peace is.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Threads That Are Golden

My Maw (grandmother) died last Sunday morning. She was 88. It was sudden, and at the same time, not. She has had a very rough couple years, and has endured a lot of suffering. She held on for us, for her family. She knew we did not want to let her go.

My sweet sister, Ginger, wrote a beautiful tribute to Maw's life here. I cannot begin to say it better, so please read her post. It is perfect.

Here's Maw, at her 86th birthday party in February 2009. She was so happy on that day.



She was not able to get around like she had in the past, but she was determined to dance. And dance she did! Here she is, with a little help, cuttin' a rug!



Here she is with her children.



Here's a layout I did with that beautiful picture of her.



Here's Ginger, me and Maw, Easter 2009.



And me, giving her a framed magazine cover with a picture of her dancing. It was from her 86th birthday and she was beyond giddy to think that she had made the cover of a magazine. :)



Ginger and me, with Maw last year at Christmas, 2010. Her last Christmas.



I have so many pictures of her that I could share, but these are some of the more recent ones.

Ginger, Brian and I went to see her a week before she died. She was having a bad day that day. She couldn't get her words out the way she wanted, and she was getting frustrated. She kept saying "Mamamamama" like she was trying to say, "Mama". Ginger and I kept asking her if she meant our Mama, like maybe she was worried about something. We reassured her that Mama was fine, but she continued to say it. It was only later, at her funeral, that our Aunt Brenda told me that she was certain that Maw thought I was her mother that day, standing over her bed. Maw's Mama was named Emily, and she had red hair, even styled with bangs like mine. She thought I was her Mama. Hearing that was really humbling for me. I hope I brought her some comfort, thinking that her Mama had come to see her, to help her let go.

That Sunday morning that she died, she went peacefully to sleep. Her beautiful, caring, loving and immense heart stopped beating. She could finally rest, finally be free. No more pain. No more suffering.

But we are left here, without her. It has been so hard on all of us. Maybe we're selfish. We know we are blessed to have had her as long as we did. We are truly grateful for that. At the same time, though, that is what makes it so hard to let her go. She was such a constant, such a fixed point in all of our lives.

I posted on Ginger's blog about Maw. I said that Maw is our Golden Thread. She binds us all together and back to her. She would want us to live and love life the way that she did, to continue our journey, knowing she is waiting for us at the end. We will do this. We will honor her, every day. We will continue her legacy.

Often in my life, when I need to process or deal with something like loss, I turn to music. I am reminded of these words from a Tori Amos song and they comfort me. We wanted Maw to hold on so long. We didn't want her to go. I feel like these words are coming through as a message from her to us. She will never be truly gone. She will find us. She will wait for us. And she is our Golden Thread, never breaking.

"and if there is a way to find you
I will find you...
I can't go
you said so
and threads that are golden don't break easily" -- tori amos, "horses"

Until I see you again, Maw, I will keep you in my heart. I will find your spirit in the world around me. I will weave your Golden Thread through the Tapestry of my life. <3

Monday, October 25, 2010

Kris

I remember joining Brian's family, some 17 years ago when we first started dating. I remember how he talked about this aunt -- his Aunt Kris -- who was so cool and awesome to hang out with. She was more than just an aunt, he had said. She was a friend, a confidante, and fiercely loyal. Soon after, I met her and she welcomed me with open arms. Since those early days, I have been proud to call Kris an aunt and a friend. Over the years, Brian and I became even closer to her and her husband, Phil. We all hung out, played cards, shopped, went to dinner together, house-hunted, helped each other and so much more.

A week ago today, on Monday, October 18th, Kris was taken from us far too soon, at the age of 49. She died suddenly and unexpectedly and it was a huge shock to us and all her family, friends, and her beloved Phil. Over the past week, Brian and I have been trying to accept her passing, but it's nearly impossible. She was so ingrained in our lives, so much a fixture that never wavered. She *couldn't* be gone.

But she is. Her funeral was Saturday, and that day was one of the saddest I've ever experienced. I just can't imagine a world without her in it. She was so caring, so generous, so friendly and kind. She loved to garden and take care of animals, especially her cherished horses. I know she would not want us to grieve. She would want us to carry on, to live our lives to the fullest, the way she lived hers.

So we will try. The sun won't shine as brightly without her here. The world is forever changed. But she would want us to remember and honor her by continuing our walk here, not in sadness, but in the joy that she brought us. That is her legacy to us. Her funny, sweet nature. Her talents and good taste. Her love and wisdom. Her good work and generosity. These are the things that we will take with us, and she will live on through them and in our hearts. Forever.




I came across this poem and couldn't believe how authentically "Kris" it was, and how I feel this is what she would want us to remember right now. I wanted to share it here.

* * *

You can shed tears that she is gone, 
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back, 
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left. 

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, 
or you can be full of the love you shared. 

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, 
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. 

You can remember her only that she is gone, 
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. 

You can cry and close your mind, 
be empty and turn your back. 

Or you can do what she'd want: 
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
---David Harkins


* * *

So, sweet Kris, I will smile through my tears, I will love and go on. I will never, ever forget you. You left a mark on my heart that will never diminish.
Rest in peace, dear Aunt and Friend, and I will see you again someday.

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